Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
