he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
