If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
