her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
