my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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