There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
