bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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