I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I still have a little drunk in my system
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
