Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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