my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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