I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
