she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Can I color on your dick again?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
