a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I just found puke in my bra..
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
