I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
