I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
