when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
