I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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