I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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