at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
