If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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