I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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