i think my tv is drunk
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
