all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
