She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
