either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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