so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
