Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
