DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
