how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
