why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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