Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
