You're earring is so big in my mouth
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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