mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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