I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
there was a trapeze. enough said
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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