and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
