God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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