put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
