Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
it's not cheating when I paid for it
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
