i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
