Please, let me fuck your mom
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Randomize
