My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
