I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
