Kiss
Puke
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
