is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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