the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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