Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
