it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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