I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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