the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Randomize
