2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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