so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
