Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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